Hobbit Hell

I didn’t intend to write a review about Hobbit Café (hence, no food pics), but I am so baffled by the 4 Star Average from 71 Yelp Reviewers that I can’t help myself.  Did these people eat at the same restaurant?

mordor

After endlessly hounding Lucas to go to Hobbit Café he finally caved in.  Poor bastard.  We had tried to go a couple of months ago, but the place was so packed that we turned around and left.  This time we easily found a parking space amongst the many potholes in the parking lot.  It was Saturday.  Noonish.

The patio at Hobbit Café looked like a nice place to enjoy a healthy lunch, but it was too humid to sit outside.  We requested a seat indoors and were taken to a room in the back, where a very loud and large group was sitting.  I’m not sure why they put us here because the other rooms in the restaurant had plenty of empty tables.  We asked to be moved to another room and eventually settled in at a nice table by the window.  Away from the loud people.

The beer selection at Hobbit Café is really quite good.  This is the one thing that Hobbit Café has going for it.  Yep, that’s it.  Wish I had ordered one.

As soon as I saw the Tropical Chicken Salad – jerk chicken, lettuce and fruit – I wanted it.  Sounded right up my alley!  Lucas ordered the Fish Tacos, which were listed under the Hobbit’s Specials.  I then asked our waitress if the Strawberry Margarita was any good.

Now … this would have been an excellent time for the waitress to inform me that the Hobbit Café only serves wine and beer, so this would be one of those sorry-ass fake margaritas that tastes like sugared ice.

No tequila?!?!  <— this is necessary information

But instead she just said yes, it’s good.  Like an idiot, I trusted her and suffered through the entire drink.  Thanks for the heads up, lady!

The salad was alright, but nothing special.  Romaine was mixed with strawberries, cantaloupe and pineapple, then tossed with a simple yogurt dressing and topped with almond slivers.  The crowning glory was a juicy chicken breast coated in the wimpiest jerk seasoning my mouth has ever tasted.  Boooo!

The Fish Tacos should be renamed:

“Cabbage Tacos With … Yes, That’s a Tiny Scrap of Fish!”

Frodo would have been pissed.  If this was his last meal before heading to Mount Doom then all of Middle Earth would have perished.  These (sorry excuse for a fish taco) tacos were served with a chipotle sauce and fruit salsa that were both far superior to the tacos themselves.  On the side was a small bowl of black beans and brown rice.

Okay.  This is where the dining experience goes from bad to worse.  I looked up from my salad to see a look of absolute disgust and confusion on Lucas’ face.  And then he spit something out.  What was it?  Apparently the bite of rice he had put into his mouth contained a pocket of seasoning that had become gelatinous.  Either that or Gollum spit into his food.

gollum

I set my fork down, sucked on the rest of my sugar ice and waited for the check.

And waited.  And waited.  And waited.

Finally it was brought to us.  Unfortunately we needed change so the waiting game continued.  I went to the bathroom.  Sat back down for another five minutes.  WTF?

When we finally walked out of Hobbit Hell I nearly cried in relief.  I was convinced that the Hobbits were trying to hold us captive, perhaps so I could never write this review.

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