I’ve been stuck in a fog. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I feel as though I’ve lost a year of my life. The other day I wondered if perhaps the memories of what I do, day in and day out, are actually real. Perhaps I’m caught in the Matrix. Or I dunno … my life is that Bohemian Rhapsody song, with the first few lines skipping over and over again on the record player.
Is this the real life?
How do I even spend my days? Yes, I work too much, eat, sleep. Shower. Go to the grocery store. All of that ordinary stuff. But for someone who has no children, and a husband who is gone more often than not, you’d think I would have more to show for all that free time. Even if I simply finished a page in my coloring book, tackled a recipe from the Ad Hoc cookbook, painted my toenails, or wrote anything ever. Something tangible. Instead I just go through the motions, hoping to get through another day. I struggle to even breathe in the present, preferring to look towards some imaginary future where everything is simply marvelous dahhhling.
Is this just fantasy?
That’s what pain does. It shrinks your world, takes away your sense of adventure, stifles your spirit. It makes you feel like you’ve lost sight of yourself. It depresses you.
Caught in a landslide.
Started taking Wellbutrin again (because hello have you been reading this?). Also spent the last two months in physical therapy, learning how to exist within this imperfect body. I have definitely become stronger, but I’m almost always afraid my back will fail on me. That I’ll have another bad day, or week. That on the days which I have big plans to look forward to, I’ll be in too much pain to genuinely enjoy myself.
No escape from reality.
Shouldn’t everything be easier by now? Is this really my new normal? How much fucking longer will this take? Ugh … that whole thought process is self-perpetuating, isn’t it? If only I could learn to recognize when to push myself vs. when to take a break, how to love my current self, and to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. Because nobody wants to be an asshole. Or stuck in a Queen song.
(you know you wanna click on this)