Today started the same as most mornings. I rolled out of bed and walked towards the bathroom with Gonzo darting back and forth between my feet, acting like a crazy mother fucker. Each and every day I must become alert quickly or risk tripping over his fat ass and onto our hardwood floors. No matter how many times I politely tell Gonzo that if I fall on my face I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO FEED HIM, he doesn’t seem to believe me. That or he wants to kill me. I’m not sure which.
What I do know is that I’ve never in my life seen a cat as obsessed with food as Gonzo. Our other two cats, Lucy and Lono, can skip a meal quietly, while Gonzo is a compulsive eater who will follow me around the house meowing non-stop until he is fed. It’s like he is possessed by the Devil until he eats. And I’m his bitch. Yep, that’s me … The Devil’s Bitch, who can’t even pee in peace until his needs have been met.
This morning the Devil didn’t like the new food I bought at Target yesterday. I was too lazy to make a stop at the usual store and since I was already at Target, I thought why not? Why not indeed. After agonizing for a good five minutes, reading labels and comparing prices, I chose a grain-free all-natural bag that cost me too damn much.
Especially since not one, not two, but all three cats turned their noses up at it. After that Gonzo followed me around the house non-stop.
Gonzo: Meow. Bad food! Meow. Seriously lady, do you hear me? Bad food! Meow.
Me: Shut the fuck up, Gonzo, Lucas is asleep (my husband works a weird schedule so I spend some weekends tip-toeing quietly around the house).
Gonzo: Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.
Me: Oh. My. Gah.
After about an hour I couldn’t take it anymore. I realized without a doubt that Gonzo wouldn’t cave before I did or suddenly realize that the food in his bowl was actually, you guessed it … food! So I put on my shoes, hopped in the car and paid even more money for the usual grain-free all-natural cat food.
And all was right in the world.
Except I’m pissed because later I fed some of the “bad food” to the stray cat who lives in our backyard and he liked it just fine. My cats are liars.